Saturday, September 25, 2010

i hear the secrets that you keep...

Apparently I talk in my sleep.
I wasn't made aware of this spectacular talent of mine until after I was married and shared a sleeping space with another human.
A light sleeping human.

Thank God for sacred wedding vows until death do us part, because without them, I might have frightened my bedfellow away and back into a bachelor's domain.

There was one night, when in a fitful slumber, I snatched my husbands pillow from under his sleepy head and yelled,
"That's MY pillow!"
Contentedly happy and dreaming my cares away on two overstuffed pillows, I slept peacefully, while my poor husband rested his head on a solid, cold mattress.

Another night, after a day of heavy cleaning, I crept out of bed in the middle of the night, walked across the room and started tossing clothes left and right. My tired husband woke to the ruckus and asked what I was doing. In a pissy, 'mind your own business' voice, I replied,
sigh, humph, mutter.
"Well, actually, I'm not cleaning, I'm organizing."
toss. throw. slump.
"You know what, just don't even ask."
And then I sulked back to bed, turning my back on him because 'he just didn't get it'.

During our bathroom remodel, after pulling out flooring, sinks, toilets, tubs, drywall, plaster, wallpaper, etc, etc, I had another sleeping 'moment'. We had the help of my little brother that day to tear down the plaster and lathe. He did a mighty good job, that boy. I must have thought so, because his great work made me dream and walk a fury that night...

At an ungodly hour during slumber-time, I sat up in bed, tore the covers off and stared at the wall. My husband, growing accustomed to this charade, sighed and asked what I was up to.

I turned to the wall, swept my hand across it's embossed wallpaper and said,
"I know. We'll have the kids do it."

Wiping sleep from his eyes, my husband replied,

"We'll have the kids do it. They know how to do it right. You see? The last owners didn't know how to do it right and that's why we had to do it. We have to do it right this time."

"Honey, you're asleep. Go to bed."

"NO. I promise you, I am not asleep right now. Here, let me show you how to do it right. I'll just go grab the crowbar..."

"Um. No. You need to go to sleep, you're asleep right now, just lay back down..."


"Go to sleep."

With a huge and overly dramatic sigh, I slumped back into bed and said with all the sass I could sleepily muster,

"Fine. But you're going to feel very silly tomorrow morning when you realize I am not asleep right now."

As you probably guessed, the next morning when I went downstairs to greet my husband and his steaming cup of coffee, he had a smirk like the Cheshire Cat himself.

With a light kiss I asked,
"How did you sleep, babe?"

Jaw dropping and walking away he replied,
"Well, I slept like crap, but I sure don't feel silly this morning."

And, in a rush, it all came back to me.

In conclusion, I think that my subconscious dream state is trying to tell me something.

I need two interchangeable pillows to keep my sleeping self satisfied.

I need to spend more awake time cleaning and organizing.

And the next time we plan a room remodel, I'll just leave it entirely up to the creepy ghost children, because, after all, they know what's best.

Oh, and also, in order to keep things spicy and surprising in the bedroom, I need to continue talking in my sleep because my husband says it's freaky.

Freaky in the bedroom is good, right?


  1. oh, I'm so happy to be reading you again.

  2. Thanks, Kim! I'm happy to be writing was a long summer with the remodeling and crazy busy-ness! I'm hoping to ward off the writers block I've been having too. :)

  3. I am grateful as well to read your blog.

    This of course reminds me of the story of dad stealing my pillow because he thought is was a tray of rings and I stole it back because I thought it was my nachos. Weird sleepwalking stories.

    You tell your stories in much more interesting ways.

  4. OK, I seriously love you girl, but that is totally freaky! Ha! I can't imagine someone in my bed having a zombie moment like that... I would probably be calling in an exorcist!

    Your husband is a brave man! ;)

  5. That's too funny!

    A few weeks ago, just after my husband went to bed, I had folded laundry and snuck into the bed room to put it away. He seemed to have woken up so I asked him where he wanted his boxers for the morning and he replied as any Sailor in the Navy would:
    "Stack them on the port side"

    I lost it, and promptly posted it on FB

  6. I love reading your stories....they're hilarious!!

  7. WOW, I dont know what I would have said to my wife if she carried on like that. And just so you know that freaky in the bedroom is not good,, its scary.

    But it does sound fun

  8. Hey! It's Sparkle from Blog Frog. I wasn't sure how to get in touch with you. Will you email about the parsley tea? Where did you get it/make it? And the other thing you did... You left before I could ask! Thanks, lady!

  9. Oh and by the way... I used to full on sex moan in my sleep. So loud that I would wake myself up. And forget about falling asleep in the living room in front of my roommates!! So embarassing!! But then when I met my husband and started getting it regularly they stopped... he's never ever heard the sex moans... I think he's kind of sad about it, too. :)

  10. OH my gosh, Sarah, that is freaking hilarious!!

    I just emailed you, btw.