Sunday, February 28, 2010

avocado, you fail.

Todd works late tonight.

To me, this means a night of self pampering, spoiled indulgence, and beauty regimens too embarrassing to do while he's home.

My favorite: hair masks.

Since I've gone au naturale, I was determined to find a cheap, safe, do-it-myself alternative to the prepackaged hair goo I used to get at the store. 
Plus, I don't have a car, so I was stuck at home anyway.

No matter...

I open the fridge.
Find an avocado better to have been used last week.
Mash it up with an egg yolk and a little bit of olive oil.
And slop it all over my hair.
Put on my hot pink shower cap and sit happily for an hour.

I think to myself.
"This is good."

And on I go, surfing the web, and craving tacos.

"Mmmm...guacamole...that sounds yummy..."

I sit, and sit, perusing the internet, learning absolutely nothing, but completely absorbed.

An hour later...
Time to rinse!
I go to the kitchen sink- Todd would be angry if I stopped the tub drain with avocados, after all.
Green water. 
That's kind of gross.
I trot upstairs to the shower.
Relax under the hot water.
Sticky hair.
Not so easy to rinse out.
Try to block avocado pieces from floating down the drain.
Scrub. Scrub. Scrub.
No more green water, hmmmm...must be done!

I get out of the shower, excited to see the results.

Will my hair be so soft?

Will it glisten in the sun?

Will it encourage perfect strangers to run their fingers through my freshly moisturized locks?

The mirror is cloudy, so I wait.
As slow as my hair dries, the mirror de-fogs.
A clear reflection creeps into focus.

I slowly see what I feared might happen.
Gasp! I inhale! It didn't rinse out!

My hands fly to my tresses...
Soft- yes.
Glistening- yes.
Inviting of strangers to stroke their fingers through- well, only if they're hungry...

Suspended in my web of hair, chunks of fleshy avocado pulp hung adhesively to each strand and follicle. Snarls and tangles imprisoned the green globs, and no comb or brush was a match for the captive fruit.

Aside from the horror of the lingering avocado, my soft and shiny hair had expanded to at least five times it's natural volume! Huge! HUGE I tell you!!

There on my head, an afro buffet of mexican cuisine!

Oh, the catastrophe! Oh, the humiliation!
This is why I do these things alone...
Can you imagine the embarrassment if Todd had been home?
He would have never let me live it down.

For the rest of the night I will be humbly plucking avocado pieces from my hair.
Hopefully, with another two or five showers, all of it will be gone by morning...


If not, the regulars at work tomorrow might be asking for a side of chips and salsa with their morning coffee...

Thursday, February 18, 2010

"Dear husband...

...would you still love me
if my face really did get stuck like this?"

"Dear wife, of course I would still love you...

...your face is pretty much stuck like that..."

True story.

Sunday, February 7, 2010

the day Lena learned a lesson...

Even dogs have bad days. 
Something embarrassing happens. 
Something painful happens. 
You hope no one saw.

But, someone did.

A few days ago, on an especially frigid wintry Wisconsin day, I let Lena out for her morning potty.
Morning potties are so much more convenient and satisfying for me now that she's almost a year old. So far in my life, there has been nothing more humbling than standing over a confused puppy while encouraging in a high, squeaky, 'you-can-do-it' voice, 

"Go potty Lena! Make a poopie! Go potty, girl!!"

All the while knowing that our sardined neighbors, having overheard me, were snickering in their warm living rooms.

Anyway. I let her out for her morning potty and went upstairs to ready myself for the day ahead. Free of an extra four legs beneath me, I put on my makeup, brushed my teeth, and tied back my hair. I went downstairs, gathered my purse and lunch, checked to make sure my keys were somewhere on my person and went down the back stairway to let Lena back in.

It was then that I heard it. Cries of anguish.

I've heard Lena cry before, obviously. Sometimes from shock or fright, other times from pain when I forget she's laying at the bottom of my feet and I accidentally squish her tail. But never like this...

She was crying, a lot. So much that, after it registered to my ears, I thought it couldn't really be her crying, she must have gotten another rabbit. It seriously sounded like an animal dying. I thought to myself, 'awesome. she got another rabbit and todd's not here to pry it from her salivating mouth...'
The crying and whimpering got worse and as I swung the backdoor open I yelled, 

But, as I looked down, I did not see a limp bunny, or an unfortunate squirrel.
All I saw was my puppies' tongue, stretched out and strained.

It was frozen to the storm door.

I gasped. I yelped.
I sucked my own tongue to the back of my throat to prevent myself from the same misfortune.

With one more grueling cry, Lena pulled herself away from the storm door, and tore her tongue away from the icy aluminum.

I looked at her, my mouth agape.
She looked up at me. She looked at the door.
She licked her mouth tenderly.
And licked it again.

Without a word, I opened the door to let her in.
She panicked and backed away from the monstrosity of frozen metal that used to be the welcoming passageway for food and warmth. Eventually, and meekly, she sidestepped around the door and came back inside the house, continuously and numbly licking her lips.

Later that day, I investigated.
There on the door, a frozen web of taste buds and saliva.
An icy silhouette of a canine's bad luck.
A chilly reminder of a lesson learned:

When exploring with your tongue in sub zero temperatures, always stay away from shiny objects.

(Also, a shout-out to my mom-in-law. I owe her credit for raising such a man as my amazing husband. Mom R., thank you for birthing and raising the man of my dreams. You did an amazing job and I hope I can be as great a mom as you are some day. Thanks for sharing your son with me, he makes me so happy. Love you.)