Wednesday, March 17, 2010

what is this feeling?

I didn't think it could happen to me...
The obsession.
The fixation.
The excitement.

I read, "Twilight".

"What's the big deal?"
I thought.
"Really, what is this all about? Is it really something great? or is it just a prepubescent fetish?"

I fluttered through the first few chapters, enjoying the plot, the characters, the settings, all the while trying to place Kristen Stewart and Robert Pattinson in the mirror of my mind, acting the story out on the tiny big screen in my head. Mostly that just made my mind drift, wondering what Kristen and Robert were doing right now in real life...didn't I hear they got married? I wonder if they shop at Walmart? Do they wear socks when they're home, or go barefoot?

Less than mid way through, I really sunk my teeth in.
I was always thirsty for more...
The passion, the lust, the drama!
Instead of picturing Kristen, I pictured myself as Bella.
Instead of picturing Robert, I pictured my husband as Edward.
(Okay, not really...I still pictured Robert. You can judge me, I don't care.)

During the day, in the time away from my new favorite book, I pretended someone would be there to swoop down and stop me from tripping, or block a runaway car about to hit me, or blast a bad guy to smithereens!

I wondered,
What would I look like as a vampire? Could I really get any paler??
Wouldn't I look so pretty being all sparkly when I stepped into the sun?

I finished the first book last night.
Sliding into bed, sipping the last few slurps of my tea, I read the final pages.
I closed the book, and sighed, long and heavy.
Tucking myself deep down into the comforter, I glanced over at my sleeping husband, my icy toes curled under his.

Pulling the sheets up to my chin, and batting my pouty blue eyes, I said,
"I wish I could be a vampire too"

Not so asleep, my charming husband replied,
"Shut. The. (I can't say that word.) Up."



Okay. Maybe I have gone overboard.

Saturday, March 13, 2010

the day Lena turned one...

Some time ago, somewhere in Kentucky, a boy dog and a girl dog (who, we are told were probably related...) decided they loved each other and made puppies. Or they were just bored...who knows.

A year ago today, those puppies were born. 
And one of them ended up with us.


(Lena, May of '09)

We celebrated in style. Doggy style.
We took Lena to the dog park, but her friends thought it was too muddy to come out and play.
She didn't think so! She ran through every pool of water and puddle of mud she could find.
Ohhhh, was she ever dirty...
So, we loaded her up and took her to the 'dog spa' (aka. tub and hose)

When we got home, we prettied her up with a crown...

("I'm 1! Or 7, depending how you look at it...")

And ate some cake!

(Spelling out "Happy Birthday" in cheese whiz is really, really hard.)

I'm pretty sure Lena had some sweet dreams of chasing tennis balls and eating peanut butter cake.

And she thinks we're the coolest human parents ever. 
She told me so.

Sunday, February 28, 2010

avocado, you fail.


Todd works late tonight.

To me, this means a night of self pampering, spoiled indulgence, and beauty regimens too embarrassing to do while he's home.

My favorite: hair masks.

Since I've gone au naturale, I was determined to find a cheap, safe, do-it-myself alternative to the prepackaged hair goo I used to get at the store. 
Plus, I don't have a car, so I was stuck at home anyway.

No matter...

I open the fridge.
Find an avocado better to have been used last week.
Mash it up with an egg yolk and a little bit of olive oil.
And slop it all over my hair.
Put on my hot pink shower cap and sit happily for an hour.

"Ahhhhhh..."
I think to myself.
"This is good."

And on I go, surfing the web, and craving tacos.

"Mmmm...guacamole...that sounds yummy..."

I sit, and sit, perusing the internet, learning absolutely nothing, but completely absorbed.

An hour later...
Time to rinse!
I go to the kitchen sink- Todd would be angry if I stopped the tub drain with avocados, after all.
Green water. 
That's kind of gross.
I trot upstairs to the shower.
Relax under the hot water.
Ahhhhh...
Sticky hair.
Not so easy to rinse out.
Try to block avocado pieces from floating down the drain.
Scrub. Scrub. Scrub.
No more green water, hmmmm...must be done!

I get out of the shower, excited to see the results.

Will my hair be so soft?

Will it glisten in the sun?

Will it encourage perfect strangers to run their fingers through my freshly moisturized locks?

The mirror is cloudy, so I wait.
As slow as my hair dries, the mirror de-fogs.
A clear reflection creeps into focus.

I slowly see what I feared might happen.
Gasp! I inhale! It didn't rinse out!

My hands fly to my tresses...
Soft- yes.
Glistening- yes.
Inviting of strangers to stroke their fingers through- well, only if they're hungry...

Suspended in my web of hair, chunks of fleshy avocado pulp hung adhesively to each strand and follicle. Snarls and tangles imprisoned the green globs, and no comb or brush was a match for the captive fruit.

Aside from the horror of the lingering avocado, my soft and shiny hair had expanded to at least five times it's natural volume! Huge! HUGE I tell you!!

There on my head, an afro buffet of mexican cuisine!

Oh, the catastrophe! Oh, the humiliation!
This is why I do these things alone...
Can you imagine the embarrassment if Todd had been home?
He would have never let me live it down.

For the rest of the night I will be humbly plucking avocado pieces from my hair.
Hopefully, with another two or five showers, all of it will be gone by morning...

Hopefully.

If not, the regulars at work tomorrow might be asking for a side of chips and salsa with their morning coffee...

Thursday, February 18, 2010

"Dear husband...

...would you still love me
if my face really did get stuck like this?"



"Dear wife, of course I would still love you...

...your face is pretty much stuck like that..."


True story.



Sunday, February 7, 2010

the day Lena learned a lesson...

Even dogs have bad days. 
Something embarrassing happens. 
Something painful happens. 
You hope no one saw.

But, someone did.


A few days ago, on an especially frigid wintry Wisconsin day, I let Lena out for her morning potty.
Morning potties are so much more convenient and satisfying for me now that she's almost a year old. So far in my life, there has been nothing more humbling than standing over a confused puppy while encouraging in a high, squeaky, 'you-can-do-it' voice, 

"Go potty Lena! Make a poopie! Go potty, girl!!"

All the while knowing that our sardined neighbors, having overheard me, were snickering in their warm living rooms.

Anyway. I let her out for her morning potty and went upstairs to ready myself for the day ahead. Free of an extra four legs beneath me, I put on my makeup, brushed my teeth, and tied back my hair. I went downstairs, gathered my purse and lunch, checked to make sure my keys were somewhere on my person and went down the back stairway to let Lena back in.

It was then that I heard it. Cries of anguish.

I've heard Lena cry before, obviously. Sometimes from shock or fright, other times from pain when I forget she's laying at the bottom of my feet and I accidentally squish her tail. But never like this...

She was crying, a lot. So much that, after it registered to my ears, I thought it couldn't really be her crying, she must have gotten another rabbit. It seriously sounded like an animal dying. I thought to myself, 'awesome. she got another rabbit and todd's not here to pry it from her salivating mouth...'
The crying and whimpering got worse and as I swung the backdoor open I yelled, 
"LENA!! DROP IT!!"

But, as I looked down, I did not see a limp bunny, or an unfortunate squirrel.
All I saw was my puppies' tongue, stretched out and strained.

It was frozen to the storm door.

I gasped. I yelped.
I sucked my own tongue to the back of my throat to prevent myself from the same misfortune.

With one more grueling cry, Lena pulled herself away from the storm door, and tore her tongue away from the icy aluminum.

I looked at her, my mouth agape.
She looked up at me. She looked at the door.
She licked her mouth tenderly.
And licked it again.

Without a word, I opened the door to let her in.
She panicked and backed away from the monstrosity of frozen metal that used to be the welcoming passageway for food and warmth. Eventually, and meekly, she sidestepped around the door and came back inside the house, continuously and numbly licking her lips.

Later that day, I investigated.
There on the door, a frozen web of taste buds and saliva.
An icy silhouette of a canine's bad luck.
A chilly reminder of a lesson learned:

When exploring with your tongue in sub zero temperatures, always stay away from shiny objects.


(Also, a shout-out to my mom-in-law. I owe her credit for raising such a man as my amazing husband. Mom R., thank you for birthing and raising the man of my dreams. You did an amazing job and I hope I can be as great a mom as you are some day. Thanks for sharing your son with me, he makes me so happy. Love you.)

Thursday, January 28, 2010

my husband is driving me crazy...

Absolutely nuts.

I think I might go insane.

I'm so mentally preoccupied with him.
Night and day, I just can't seem to get him out of my head.
And he doesn't make it easy for me either...

First of all, how am I supposed to manage seeing this everyday?


Seriously. Stinkin' hot.

Then, after an extensive interchange of emails between ourselves last week, he sent me the most sweet and tender sentence I've ever received. It read:
"You make me happy every day."

 Yesterday I was gloomy.
Yesterday I was teary.
Yesterday was an especially yucky day.
Yesterday he sent me flowers.



And yesterday, and the day before, and the days before that, he hugged me until I let go.
Which took a long time...

Everyday, I'm reminded of how lucky I am.
Because he drives me crazy.



And I love him for it.




Saturday, January 23, 2010

the day I stopped washing my hair...

That's right, you did indeed read that, your eyes are not tricking you...

I've stopped washing my hair.

At least, with shampoo and conditioner. Or any products of any kind.

In an effort to save money, I started researching alternative ways to clean house, clean hair, clean skin. I've spent the past four days searching the internet for recipes and ideas. What started as a saving money scheme, quickly turned into a diet plan for skin and hair routines. I am appalled at what goes into beauty products! I'm not going to get on a soap box (ugh. bad pun.), but I will encourage you to research for yourself. Starting with sodium lauryl sulfate. It's in everything. Yuck.

You have to know, this is a huge, huge step for me as I am a self proclaimed product whore. If the packaging promises to do something new and exciting, I buy it. I've even gone so far as to replace every bottle of shampoo, conditioner, soap, and makeup remover, empty or not, if they don't belong in the same color family as the latest and greatest product that leaves the store to come home with me. I've spent years rotating from all pink bottles, to all blue, or green, or purple.

Enough is enough.

This is how I came to the decision to stop using shampoo and conditioner all together.
Save money= good.
Save sanity= good.
Save head from nocuous (my word of the day) chemicals= good.

Some call it the no 'poo' method.
I'm trying to think of something else to call it because I don't feel comfortable with the image it presents in my head.

The plan is: I shower as normal, everyday, but go for as many days as possible by simply rinsing my hair. If I can't stand it anymore I'll use one tablespoon of baking soda mixed with one cup of warm water. I pour it onto the roots of my hair and massage it thoroughly, and then rinse. Then I'll take one tablespoon of apple cider vinegar, a few drops of tea tree oil, and one cup of warm water, and pour it onto the ends of my hair. Rinse again.

Day one, two, and three have passed and were very confusing to me.
What do people who don't wash their hair actually do in the shower?

Without being able to follow my routine of shampoo, rinse, remove makeup, condition, soap, rinse, hop out, I was completely lost!

I got in the shower, suds up, rinsed, and then stared blankly at the wall. Bemused, I glanced at my nearly full bottles of Herbal Essence (which, by the way, is not so herbal afterall...). There they were, sitting on the corner ledge of the tub, taunting me. I turned around to shun the toxic, money depleting potions. I glanced back over my shoulder to take one last lingering look, and quickly got out.

Next time, I'm going to hide the bottles to better resist temptation.

And, I might sneak over to my nephew's house and steal his bath toys.
He has some sweet bath toys. 
A whole army of model poisonous jungle frogs, floaty toys, and sticky alphabet letters.
That will at least give me something fun to do while not cleaning my hair.

By day four, I decided it was time to try the baking soda. It was surprisingly easy! I just took two plastic cups- one with the baking soda, the other with the vinegar and tea tree oil- into the shower with me and filled them with warm water when I was ready to use it. The only difference I really noticed was that my hair was pretty snarly. But, I decided to just let it dry and not try to comb through it when it was wet. Sure enough, as soon as it was dry it was tangle-free, and I noticed that it dried really quick.

I even perfumed my hair afterwards.
Perfumed my hair. 
Like a greek goddess.
Ahhh. If only I had someone else to perfume my hair for me and feed me grapes and wine.
What a lovely thought.

So, four days in, I'm convinced I can do this.


Now, onto skin care. My current facial routine is as follows:

Makeup remover
Facial cleanser
Exfoliant
Toner
Occasional astringent
Lotion

That right there is probably $50 a month in far too many products. After researching, I learned that all of that stuff is just stripping away what my skin needs. So, I came up with a skin program to go with my new hair care plan.

I'm going with the oil cleansing method. You can read about it there, it's a great informative article, but, in a nutshell, it's one part castor oil, one part organic olive oil, and a few drops of tea tree oil. If you have a different preference of oil, like sunflower, or coconut oil, you can use that instead of olive. Test the formula in small batches as oily skin will need more castor oil, and dry skin will use less. After you've mixed it, scoop a liberal amount into your clean hands and gently massage it onto your face. Next, take a washcloth and run it under hot water. Lay it on your face until it cools. Repeat two, three, or as many times as you want. The washcloth and your skin will soak up the cleansing oils, so no need to scrub. When you feel like all the oils are gone, rinse out the washcloth and hang it somewhere to dry. Do this routine at night, before bed. If you feel like you need a moisturizer, just take a very small drop of oil and rub it on your skin. Oil soaks up oil, so don't worry about feeling greasy. You don't have to do it every night if you feel like it's reacting too much to your skin. After awhile, your skin will get it's natural balance again and you'll be glowing!

I also made an astringent for days I don't want to do the oil thing. I simply bought a bottle of non-alcoholic witch hazel and added about 30 drops of grapefruit essential oil. You can use any flavor oil you like, the citrus attracted me.

For yet another back up, I ground up some oatmeal to make a fine powder. Just take about a tablespoon of that, mix it with some water to make a paste and spread it over your skin. You can rub it around and rinse it off, or, you can let it dry and scrub it off with a washcloth for exfoliating.

Keep all of these mixes in airtight containers.

Here is what you need:


Baking soda
Castor oil
Organic olive oil (or other oil)
Tea tree oil
Essential oil of your choice
Witch hazel
Oatmeal
Apple cider vinegar (white vinegar can be used as well)
An assortment of jars or bottles
A tablespoon

Now, let me warn you about something. Buying castor oil was quite possibly the most embarrassing thing I've had to do in awhile. Walgreens was swarming with people. I knew castor oil would be somewhere in the medical aisle and I had an inkling as to where in the medical aisle it would be, and at this point I was already blushing. I tried to pretend I was looking at cold remedies, then allergies, then pain relievers. Slowly I inched my way toward...the laxatives. Beet red by now, I tried to quickly scan the shelves, but as I was intently staring down the endless boxes of "assistance", I didn't notice the mom and very intimidating teenage girl standing right next to me. I looked up, met their eyes, and quickly spun around to pretend I was looking at something else.

There, on the other side of the aisle, the lesser of two evils I pretended to be shopping for:
Incontinence and an array of birth control.

Sigh. Only slightly less embarrassing...

I let the girl and mother pass, then went to scoop up the bottle I needed. For my face, remember, and trudged to the register. I was hoping the rest would be easy, I was out of the uncomfortable aisles, and with any luck, the cashier wouldn't know what castor oil is generally used for.

No such luck. I looked at the little bottle that had caused so much despair and gasped. It wasn't over...

Stamped on the label in big white lettering, read:

Castor Oil
Stimulant Laxative
For the Relief of Occasional Constipation


I groaned and reluctantly placed it on the counter, label facing me.
The male cashier, no, the attractive male cashier picked it up, scanned it, and set it back down. This time, facing him. Awkward and unbearable silence.

"Do you...need a bag?"
he said.

I blinked. I swallowed. I tried to remember when I had last taken a breathe.
I wanted to slam my fists on the counter and scream,

"IT'S NOT WHAT YOU THINK! I AM NOT CONSTIPATED!! I AM HEALTH CONSCIOUS. ENVIRONMENTALLY FRIENDLY, AND TRYING TO SAVE MONEY!! PLEASE, DON'T YOU BELIEVE ME??"


But I didn't.
Instead I just stood there with a blank stare and flushed cheeks and mumbled back:

"Uhhmmgshahhmnnnpp."
(Um. Nope.)




And promptly left the store.


To conclude,
Our little family has adopted the motto,
"If you can't say or spell it, don't use it."

We're slowly adding this to our food as well, so someday we can say,
 "If you can't say or spell it, don't use or eat it."


I think we'll be just fine with this new rule.
After all, I've known how to say and spell carbohydrates for a long time.